I need to see the Amazing Spiderman! Who wants to go?!
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Not to be even more pathetic than I was last night.
But I have this legitimate fear that all my friends in St. Louis are going to forget about me now that I’m not there. Like people who were my best friends two months ago are just going to fall into the background.
Not to mention I feel like a few are even legitimately angry at me that I left. It’s not my choice. If I had any kind of financial support to fall back on, I would’ve stayed. My parents don’t have money. I can’t ask them to pay for grad school after they’ve already paid for undergrad. SIU may not be the best school, but I can go there for free. Just be happy for me.
Just because I had to move back to Southern Illinois doesn’t mean I’m going to turn into someone who will settle for okay. I’m not going to be infected by this complacency that runs so rampant around here.
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I’m sick and tired of this self-imposed inferiority.
I’m afraid I’ll fail, so I tell myself that there are so many others who are better than me anyway.
I’m afraid you won’t notice me, so I tell myself that you’re out of my league anyway.
I think I’m even afraid of actually succeeding. I don’t have a reason for that. It’s irrational. And this is redundant.
I’m afraid. Bottom line.
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"There’s a loneliness that only exists in one’s mind. The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."F. Scott Fitzgerald The Great Gatsby (via anditslove)
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"Make your own Bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet."Ralph Waldo Emerson (via imfantasyparade)
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Finally clean! I can see the floor again!
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Nothing incites melancholy quite like Southern Illinois.
On the one hand, I’m happy to be here. A part of me still loves the small town mentality and misses it when I’m gone. I like that I can see the stars when I’m outside at night. I like the spur-of-the-moment bonfires with high school friends, drinking Bud Light and reminiscing about old times. I like seeing my parents and my brother more often. I like that I don’t have to lock my car when I park it outside my house. I like that I can get a beer for 75 cents on Thursday nights at the Italian Club.
On the other hand, I hate being here. I hate knowing everyone everywhere I go. I hate that the chances of me meeting someone new are slim to none, unless I drive the half hour down to Carbondale. I hate working at the liquor store and having creepy, dirty, toothless men hitting on me.
Mostly, I hate how I don’t feel like I’m really home. For the past four years I’ve basically lived in St. Louis. I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever had, and I’ve established a kind of life there. There were places that I went to regularly and people I saw on a regular basis. My friends here (besides a few) are all friends from high school who mostly stayed around here through college. They all have their own lives, their own friends, their own inside jokes. I don’t feel like I’m a part of it anymore. I know I’ve only been back for a week. It’ll probably get better. I just hate that I was basically ripped away from this life I loved in St. Louis to come back to a place that has this magical power to make me feel so mediocre and superior at the same time.
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"Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution."(via fuckyeahsexanddrugs)
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Hahaha. The tag. “I can’t hear you over the biceps.” But really.
